How To Accept the Excepted

I've got this long running fantasy patrolling the furthest reaches of my daydreams as I find my day being sucked into the oblivion that I've allowed myself to become a part of.

I wake up tomorrow, and everything has changed. I wake to find that everything I dreamed of doing with this lil' life o' mine has come to fruition... I'm making people, lots of people, stranger people laugh, and they're paying me for the privilege. I'm goofing on Gilda or riffing on a Kardashian and somehow, it's irreverent and delightful and they like me... no! REALLY like me. I'm sitting in for an interview on Kevin and Bean, chatting up my latest guest spot as Lucy Lemon, Liz's long-lost sis, and dodging wisecracks from Ralph Garman as I beg for a Reserved spot for the next Hollywood Babble-On (Of course, he obliges).

I'm wearing all those quirky colors I love to wear, maybe with a sassy scarf, a killer pair of denim that shows that I do, in fact, TRY to work out, and some Grey Chuck Taylors (because not every gal MUST own a Louboutin). I'm stopping in at E! and giving my take on pop culture to the likes Chelsea Handler (though I loathe that I must cow-tow to the platform). I'm zipping over to pick up Jess Fashion for one of our shop and gab sessions, complete with a bite at a restaurant she's been dying to show me. I'm cruising down the PCH with my pal Fiy in our new smoke-grey Mini with the double doors in the back (because vehicles with a back end that looks like a 1930s refrigerator rock my socks). I'm coming home to our two-story with character and a working fireplace and swapping stories with The Big Guy about how equally fulfilling we find our daily lives and careers as we sip some Paso Robles find.

It's right around the time I imagine us clinking glasses while we fight over control of ITunes that someone, some stranger, snaps me back to reality. Usually these interruptions come in the form of some cold, thoughtless question that is rarely preceded by a complimentary salutation (something I find more and more absent these days). The dream fades-- POOF! No Kevin and Bean or Psycho Mike hug. ZAP! No appearance on E!. CRUNCH! No Mini, no two-two story, no Grey Chuck Taylors. All of the little touches are gone, and I'm left with the reality that is that I've gotten this far... and really haven't reached anything at all.

This gal used to be a dreamer. I could dream my way through anything... a boring lecture, a snoozy day behind a desk, a stroll from Point A to Point B. I had plans, big stinkin' plans. I was going... PLACES. Now, I'm finding myself tuning out, turning off those little blips of bliss in my brain and giving myself over to a dark side that sucks all the giggles out of this once silly gal.

I'm confronted on a near-hourly basis by an overwhelming sense of anxiety from a multitude of sources, most of whom don't care if you're TRYING, really honestly trying, so long as they can see it in the positive percentages. I'm hounded by questions questions questions MINDLESS questions that beg me to wonder

HOW DID I ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO ME?!?!?!?

You know what you're problem is? Ma asks me.

No. If I knew, I'd correct it. I snidely respond.

Your problem, Ma says, is that you haven't accepted what's around you.

Befuddled, I asked her to continue. What is there to accept? Are you telling me I should just shut up and stop complaining? Just settle and accept that all the things I wanted won't come to pass? Are you telling me that *gulp* this is as good as it gets?

No, Ma says. No, I'm saying you must first accept your circumstances, accept the things around you. Accept your life for what it is. It's only then that you can truly open the doors to the changes and the things you want.

...

She said that to me several days ago. And I'm pondering. I'm thinking. I'm turning some wheels. And though I still don't entirely get it, I'm willing to give it a shot.

So I write today at a crossroads of sorts. Picture it-- I, a bespeckled cross between Blossom and Mary Katherine Gallagher, standing at a fork in the road. On one side, "Accept"-- take this path and allow the reality of your life to wash over you. Accept it, analyze it, devour it, and open yourself up to new possibilities. On the other side, "Except"-- this way, you allow yourself to be defined as the gal who dreamed... except she never did anything about it.

So this blog is not about a whimpering 30-something (and thanks to Ma for reminding me just how close something is to 40) but about a girl on a path to Acceptance. This blog is a reminder, and check-in, that despite the things you gotta do to keep yourself afloat, you can still be open to the possibility that your dreams are just right around the corner.

Songs for the night-- "Float On" by Modest Mouse and "Jamie, My Intentions Are Bass" by !!!